Written by Tom Felicity Evans
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Thursday, 27 December 2012

Anger has today emerged across the US over the release of a series of TV advertorials, web blogs and YouTube videos written, produced, starring and paid for by British coffin dodger Sir Cliff Richard.

The series, entitled 'Fiscal Cliff', features an irate Sir Cliff Richard advising US citizens to "stop shovelling burgers down your fat necks" and "get a Prius or something" in order to save money.

Sir Cliff, 72, sporting a pair of stonewash cutoff Levi shorts, a rhinestone tank top and an earring in his right ear, also brands the US as "a bunch of bloody homophobes".

Record numbers of complaints were received at stations broadcasting 'Fiscal Cliff' as furious rednecks jammed the phone lines to vent their anger at the veteran singer, described by close personal friend, female impersonator Julian Felcher, as "very flexible, and fabulous darling!"

One complainant called to complain that "Cliff Richards gone done and told me and Maisee-Beth what to be doin' through my moving picture box. We kicked his ass in World War II and we can go gone and done do it again". Another suggested Sir Cliff was "bent" and argued "he doesn't even have a gun."

The series of advertorials, web blogs and YouTube videos has already been denounced by its director, Bob Spiers (of 'Spiceworld' director shame) who suggested Cliff was "a barking mad nonce" who forced him to direct the series by offering him money for it.

Sir Cliff's PR manger, Quentin Rimmed, has released a statement in response to the negative feedback in which complainants are urged to "talk to the hand, girlfriend."

Unconfirmed local reports suggest Sir Cliff was overly aggressive in his performance because of some 'bad crystal meth' and normally he would have taken a more patronising tone instead.

Sir Cliff has released a personal statement on his website claiming he has "had a word with God" and that God said "the yanks can sniff my piss if they think they can get one over on my Cliffy."

The Vatican released a statement shortly after suggesting Sir Cliff's conversation was God was "complete bollocks" and that Sir Cliff was a "God-bothering queer".

Despite the poor reception to 'Fiscal Cliff' in the US, Sir Cliff is already planning a series across the Middle East with tips on saving money on clothing by "getting shot of those silly hats and ninja outfits" and clothing themselves with "tank tops and cutoff denim shorts from my new budget collection" and "the love of our Lord Jesus Christ".

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is reported to have called the star's Middle East plans "shocking but sexy".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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