WASHINGTON, D.C. (ABSNN) - Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta called the first ever "Emergency Press Conference" to inform reporters and the American Public that "A horrendous, unstoppable computer retro-virus will strike every English speaking computer in the world on December 24, 2012." The virus, dubbed "The Clivey Dee," will cause all computers to cease communicating in the English language, "causing them to write only in an indecipherable, somewhat Cockney dialect that will cause emails written in regular English, and all English word processors to generate total gibberish."
"We are doomed," Panetta told reporters as he openly wept.
According to Panetta, the Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) discovered the Clivey Dee computer virus when one of their satellites picked up emissions from "a sort-of news site in the UK called TheSpoof.com."
"This website is known to publish trashy satire and so-called news, but it also has a user's forum that allows its writers to communicate with one another. That is where we first encountered Clivey Dee," said Panetta.
"Anyone, and I mean anyone, who has ever read anything written by TheSpoof.com's Clive Danton has already been infected with the Clivey Dee Virus. And when that person shared any satire written by Clive Danton on any social networking site, they unwittingly infected every computer hooked into that network.
"Within weeks, the Clivey Dee Virus had spread throughout the world. Thus, every single computer in the English speaking world will effectively crash on Christmas Eve. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing anyone on Earth can do to stop it," Panetta said as he totally broke down and had to be led off the stage by the hand like a child, crying like a school girl.
President Barack Obama spoke to reporters outside of his Oval Office and reassured them that government business in the United States would continue as always.
"First off, all American commercial business is done in the Chinese language since the Chinese own the US. Second, I speak the Kenyan language since I was born in Kenya. The Clivey Dee computer virus will not affect me at all," Obama said.
A very angry Senator John McCain, who hasn't spoken in English since his defeat at the polls by Barack Obama back in 2008, attempted to blame the Obama Administration for the Clivey Dee Virus when he spoke to reporters outside the US Senate Chambers. The language he used was indecipherable, but insiders told us that he'd already been infected with the Clivey Dee Virus and that "since the Senator is a one-trick pony anyway, nothing will really change for the Senator's constituents."
"TheSpoof.com regrets inflicting the Clivey Dee Virus upon an unsuspecting world," said Mark Lowton, Editor and Chief of the website.