Written by Paul Blake
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Topics: Farting

Monday, 26 November 2012

image for Texas Man Changes His Life With Farts
Hughey Longwhistle goes with the wind.

Houston, TX - Hughey Longwhistle of Port Arthur, Texas, was on a trip with his family to Greece, which was an amazing fact on its' own, since Hughey had a terrible time making decisions. The slightest fork in the road would give Hughey terrible stomach pains and very bad gas.

Even though Hughey had won the trip to Greece, it had taken him ten years, minus two weeks, to finally make the decision to go. If he had of waited any longer, McDonald's was going to void the prize and his wife and family would kill him. By finally deciding to take the trip, Hughey's life would change forever.

"Even deciding what toilet paper to buy used to be a real big deal for 'im." Twanged Hughey's wife, Claudette. "He'd get all sweaty and stuff and start fartin' like a herd of cattle." Added the tortured woman. Hughey's entire family knew, that when Hughey was trying hard to decide something, you'd better back off. Way off.

Then, on the third morning of their trip to Greece, the first two of which Hughey had largely squandered on indecision, Hughey met a woman who would change his life forever. The Longwhistle family sat in the travel agent's office one morning in Athens, trying to decide whether to book a day trip over to the island of Andros. Hughey was overcome with indecision and farting up a storm.

"Nothing this lovely travel agent could say, would make it any easier." Claudette retold. It was a chronic problem that Mrs. Longwhistle had been suffering with since she could remember. "We would finally all say "yes" to the daytrip, then old Hughey starts to questionin' again… and we end up doin' nuthin', except clearing out of the room." Explained the fed up wife.

This was the way the first two days of the trip had gone and why Hughey was so resistant to going on the trip in the first place. He knew there would be too many decisions to make. It happened whenever they left their trailer, back in Texas.

Aella Constantplopolis, the travel agent, politely told Hughey that she had other people to serve and encouraged him with these words of wisdom. "She looked at me like a child and said that; "Any decision was better than no decision at all."" Hughey remembered. "Just decide." The growingly impatient woman had said to him, leaving the family alone, while she served the others customers and got some fresh air.

A half an hour later, when the other customers had booked their adventures and were out the door already enjoying themselves, Hughey still struggled. The smell was not pleasant.

"That's when the travel agent changed my life forever." Hughey explained.

"Look." Aella had told him finally, "Every person on the planet, does something in their mind when they make a decision, everyone. Yes or No always comes out of you in a right or left action." She went on to tell that; "Some people wiggle their toes on the left or right foot, others cross their legs, twitch their eyes, scratch their ear. Its' your inner voice trying to help you decide. Left and Right, always left and right." The kind woman explained. It was a widely held tradition in her homeland of northern Greece. "All my family is fortune tellers. Not me. But I give you this advice anyway." She told Hughey.

"It was the darndest thing. I was fascinated," told Hughey, who knew he had to do something to change his indecisive ways. It was hurting his marriage, his family and his finances. "How could this help me?" Hughey asked.

Hughey recounted what the woman told him next. "She looked me right in the eye and told me something that I will take with me to my deathbed." Hughey told with great emotion. She said "With you. Your right or left action… is fartin'! Hughey translated. "She told me, don't be embarrassed. She said she'd seen it before."

"She said his case was severe though." Piped in Hughey's wife with a smirk.

"The kids were laughing at me pretty bad when she said that." Hughey remembered.

Then Aella explained that she had been watching him while she helped the other customers. "You lean left and right when you pass the gas. You think yes, I'll book the daytrip after leaning one way. No, I won't go on the trip after you lean the other way. You know in your heart and in your mind which way to lean. You don't even have to think. The only thing that you have to decide is which way is yes and which way is no."

"How do I do that?" Hughey asked the wise woman.

"Just ask." Aella had told Hughey, pointing at his rear-end, instructing him to go for a walk, think about the day trip to the island and come back.

Hughey Longwhistle sat and contemplated the woman's theory for a moment, leaned over to the left and decided to book the trip. It was that simple.

"I thanked Aella and left her office feeling a weight had been lifted." Hughey retold of the chance meeting with the woman that he now refers to as his guardian angel.

"Should we take the bus to the ferry or walk?" The Longwhistles discussed first. Hughey simply leaned to his right and decided to walk, leaving the couple at the café beside them gasping for air.

For the rest of the day, Hughey made all of the decisions that he came upon, in this manner. "Sandwich or Pizza? Black sunglasses or Red? The sailboat tchotchke or the Greek Ruins for the curio cabinet back home? Left, Right, Left. Sandwich, Red, Sailboat. All of a sudden, it was so easy to decide!" Said a newly self-confident Hughey.

"Decisions were coming out of him like cannonballs." Said Claudette, who noticed the difference immediately.

Later, while their kids scurried off to do their own thing, Hughey and Claudette enjoyed what was probably the most romantic day of their marriage in a long, long time.

"I don't know what has gotten into you today Hughey, I told him." Said Claudette. "But if you keep it up, you got a real good shot at this trip gettin' a whole lot more romanticer." I told him.

Something was happening on the Longwhistle family vacation. They were starting to have a good time.

"So when my sixteen year old daughter, Brittney, came to me on the island that day and asked if she could go sightseeing with a boy she met on the ferry, I knew just what to do." Hughey told.

This was a decision that would have just about killed Hughey the day before, Longwhistle himself would admit.

"There wasn't a hope in the world he would make that decision." Assured Claudette regarding their daughter. This would have left The Longwhistle's suffering, with a daughter that wanted to kill them for the rest of the day. The entire family would have been miserable, they would have all gone back to their hotel and sulked in their room, mad at each other for the rest of the evening.

"I consulted my butt three times." Hughey explained. "Each time it said, "Let her go." Ok I said. Have a good time."" Hughey recounted. He was at peace with the decision.

"The people at the restaurant we were sittin' in that day don't know how lucky they got off." Claudette added. "Before that, it woulda been a whole lot more than three farts to decide."

Later that day, their daughter Brittney returned, happy as a clam, telling them that they had been invited to the boy's home for dinner that evening. Hughey leaned to the right, and accepted the invitation.

"Turns out, that the Greek boy's father had done very well in the seafood business, which was great." Grinned Hughey, who owned a struggling fleet of shrimping boats back in Texas. "By the end of the evening," A proud Hughey explained, "me and Dominic, the rich businessman, had shaken hands on a deal that would guarantee a buyer for every shrimp I could catch."

So, it would seem, that farts had helped Hughey's marriage, made his family happy and solved his financial well being, all in one day.

"Now, when I go out shrimpin', I truly let the wind take me where it wants." Hughey said. "I'm catchin' more shrimp than ever. From now on, I swear, I'll let farts decide my fate." A happy Hughey chuckled, ripping one off just for the sport of it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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