Written by Paul Blake
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Friday, 23 November 2012

image for Richard Gere Finds Out About The Hamster Thing
Gere comforts a very scared... and very high hamster.

Hollywood, CA - Richard Gere, iconic star of mega blockbuster hits such as "Pretty Woman", "An Officer and a Gentleman" and a bunch of other crap that I think my mom probably still owns on VHS, finally found out about the decades-old urban legend that he partakes in the bizarre drug-sex act of sticking cocaine covered hamsters up his rectum.

However Gere, a devout Buddhist, might just be the most egoless man in Hollywood and probably one of the last stars on the list of people who might do this with a gerbil. He never reads the Hollywood Gossip rags and certainly has never typed the words: Richard Gere, or: Hamster, into any sort of electronic device since 1990.

Seemingly every other human on the planet though, for one reason or another, has heard this story recounted. Hell, even my mom has heard the tale. It completely ruined "Nights in Rodanthe" for her, a few years back.

Then it finally happened, Richard Gere was dragged to a party in the Hollywood Hills, where Climax studio producer, Seymour Cleevage, wanted to pitch a script to him, rumored to co-star Lindsay Lohan. (unconfirmed at time of print).

At some point in the evening, Gere was seated on the couch in front of a big, obligatory bowl of eighty percent pure Columbian nose candy, of which he never touches... but zenfully doesn't judge people who do.

Shortly thereafter, Mr. Cleevage's bratty kid, Braxton, released his pet hamster, Mr. Snoopers, from his bedroom, shooing it towards the living room in an attempt to scare the people at his dad's party. Also, because he'd heard that Richard Gere shoves hamsters covered in cocaine up his butt. A fact that little Braxton had learned upon researching his new pet on the internet.

Eventually, the tiny rodent scampered down the hall, through the party and then scratched its' way up onto the coffee table, making its' way into the big bowl of cocaine, all before anyone could even notice.

Lindasay Lohan's Dad screamed like a little girl when he leaned in to get a little bump from the party bowl. "There's a hamster in the god damn coke!" He squealed. Of coarse, everyone immediately cast an eye in Gere's direction.

Being a Buddhist, Gere mercilessly rescued the creature from the bowl, holding the hamster up by its tail and blowing on it softly, so as not to get cocaine on himself and suffer a residual high of any kind. "Its' ok little fella." The animal-loving, zen master told the scared hamster.

That's when Lindsay Lohan stumbled in and drunkenly yelled, "Hey look, Richard Gere is going to shove a coke-hamster up his ass again! I'm next!"

"Yay!" Said the crowded room and gathered 'round.

"What?!" Gere queried his audience. "What the hell are you talking about? Is that something that people do? How the hell does that work? How on earth would you get the thing up there? ... And what do you mean, I'm going to do it... again?!"

"You mean you don't know?" The shocked producer asked Gere.

"Know what?" Said a very confused Gere, who upon hearing the answer to that question, had his entire evening completely ruined in a most un-zenlike fashion.

The disappointed crowd turned away in embarrassment, most started texting feverishly.

"Wait, so we're not shoving coke-hamsters up our asses?" Asked the disappointed Lohan family, who tried to sneak Mr. Snoopers into Lindsay's purse for later.

Sorry Lindsay. Sorry Richard ... and sorry Mom, while were at it. I shouldn't have taken such pleasure in callously telling you about the whole Richard Gere-hamster story, the night you tried to make me sit down and watch "Nights in Rodanthe" on family movie night.

[i]Writer's Note: Gere eventually turned down Mr. Cleevage's action/thriller movie entitled, "High In Tight Places."Gere dismissed the chance to play the part of Dr. Max Pleasure; "Because he didn't feel the role was up his ally." His words, not mine.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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