WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) - The United States of America is now under the military control of Muppets from the Children's Television Workshop. Muppet Military Command (MMC) first occupied the Pentagon and took firm control over all US military forces in the US and throughout the world. Next, the MMC took over the White House and removed President Barack Obama "to a safe location." Additionally, the US Capitol Building which houses the Senate and Congress was seized, along with all other federal installations throughout the US and the world. Tuesday's elections have been cancelled "indefinitely".
The coup d'etat was implemented, and carried out by 4-star General Big Bird and several thousand 4 and 5-year-old children and began "when the big hand was on 5 and the little hand was on 12," according to General Bird. Prior to this morning's coup, Big Bird was only a "Bird Colonel."
A terse communique was issued by the new ruling junta:
"The Muppets could no longer stand by and allow children to be reduced to tears on PBS. We could not sit by and take the chance that Mitt Romney would become President and kill our beloved Big Bird.
"I, Kermit T. Frog, hereby assume the duties of General Secretary of the new established Muppet States of America. My sometimes girlfriend, Ms. Piggy will serve as Vice Secretary of State. The Count will assume the duties of Treasurer. Oscar the Grouch will oversee the affairs of all grownups in the country.
"No humans were harmed during the takeover. However, all adults will be forced into Reeducation Centers until they have watched every Sesame Street episode ever produced."
Some reporters accused the General Secretary of setting up a "puppet government."
"Nonsense," said Frog, "We're Muppets you silly!"
We will keep you informed.