ANKARA: At a conference in Ankara, Turkey yesterday, the World Health Organisation validated it's 10 point memorandum encouraging sexual relations with a fruit.
The general consensus is to eradicate lonliness with alternate, safe and satisfying forms of sexual pleasure.
According to the document the following steps should be applied:
1.Ideal sexual partners include watermelons, grapefruits and tomatoes. Coconuts placed a close 4th.
2. Condom use is suggested to alleviate embarrassment and possible feelings of emotion for the fruit.
3. Make it a social occasion: Have a glass of wine. Play music such as Josh Groban,Peabo Bryson and Brian Mcknght.
4. If extremely aroused, a watermelon should be used, as it can withstand the full force of nature.
5. Turn the occasion into a mock date, get a haircut, shave, wear a suit. Buy the fruit a small present
6. Small thrusts are suggested to get into the mood.
7. Pretend Farmers Weekly is the new Playboy. Watch farming programs.
8. To really get into the mood, maybe visit a local flower nursery or florist.
9. Don't become a player: If you go through a lot of fruit, in a short amount of time contact your nearest horticulturalist ASAP
10. Be modern, treat Aarbor day and Earth day as the new Valentine's day.
Ideally, the fruit should be respected as a person, with love and mututal respect.
All BDSM activities should be avoided, including the use of leather whips and chains. Tools are only recommended for pruning.
Anybody caught abusing a fruit will be banned from all fruit and vegetable shops, and also placed on the fruit offenders list for a period of 5 years.
The WHO intends distributing tomatoes to smaller sized nations to avoid discrimination Free watermelons will be given to larger nations.
The memorandum is set to take effect, December 25th.