The final shortlist for the soon to be vacant Archbishop of Canterbury position was announced today by a group of men in fancy dress and funny hats, although these were later revealed to be their religious uniforms worn for special occasions and to save wearing out the elbows and knees of their business suits.
Attracting few votes for the position is fellow cleric Abu "Hook" Hanza, who Archbishop O'Reilly of Grimsby has suggested might be a little too radical with his views on the subject of gay marriage and women priests. He felt that potential calls for a fatwa might not be the most PR-sensitive method of 'moving forward'.
Second on the list is retiring Chief Rabbi Lord Sachs. It was felt by the committee that while he is well-spoken, well-educated and altogether an all-round nice man, he might be a little too Jewish to give the position his full attention. Plus the feast of Channukah in December might take his mind off the mid-winter retail festival, or Christmas, as the Church of England clergy have a habit of referring to it.
Gaining speed as a potential candidate amongst some members of the archbishops' committee is Cilla Black, who has a "lorra lorra friends" and good connections with the populace. However, the fear is that when it comes to communion and Royal marriages, she could spontaneously break into "Step inside love" or "anyone who has a heart", and stained glass windows would no longer be safe.
Another candidate, favoured by two of the committee, is Ozzy Osborne through his current position as godfather of heavy metal. It was thought his connection with religion, via his aptly named rock group "Black Sabbath" could be a hit with the youth of today. Although there is the concern that his Christmas message to the nation, or any public blessings of new buildings and such like could be overshadowed by his use of expletives.