Written by queen mudder
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Saturday, 29 September 2012

image for Vatileaks: Pope's butler stole French letters
The Bishop of Condom-en-Armagnac after one too many

Rome - Paolo Gabriele has gone on trial for nicking the Pope's letters to the Bishop of Condom in southwestern France.

The former butler says he was mesmerised by the Pontiff's explanation of big bang theories to the Condom-en-Armagnac prelate, renowned for distilling 'holy' spirits in huge oaken casks called vats.

Thousands of gallons of the potent digestif liquor are produced each year at the town's distillery which is located on the enigmatically named River Baise.

A rough translation of the river's name gives a French vulgarism for a sexual act popular with choirboy-hungry clerics if local folklore is to be believed.

The town is doubly famous for its iconic Museum of Rubber Prophylactics erected by the bishopric's stonemasons back in '69.

These attractions have made Condom a popular place of pilgrimage for hundreds of years as has it's lying on the Via Podiensis route to Santiago Compostela, one of three major French arms dealing routes to Basque-held northwestern Spain.

Bearing this in mind Gabriele's defence lawyers are expected to argue that the leaking of Papal messages stems from concerns about a burst vat that exploded during the distillation process.

Two thousand gallons of the precious liquid recently exploded inside the plant causing widespread pickling among the workforce.

Lawyers may also argue that because the French word for a 'rubber' is préservatif rather than 'condom' the Papal butler was only trying to plug a dangerous fissure-of-men rupture blamed on the holy spirit.

A 75cl bottle of the potent stuff retails for around 69 euros.

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