Washington, D.C. - Secretary of State Condoleezza (The Unsticker) Rice announced today that the Bush Administration "totally blames Kim" (of North Korea) for the current (some would say hideous) trend in arm crossing. She pointed out numerous examples of the tendency, citing Steven Colbert as the "popularizer." Earlier, rumors had circulated that she'd been referring to Kim, her staff assistant, and now she felt prompted to "take time" from her busy schedule to "stamp out that talking behind my back."
"Weren't for Colbert, the ‘Kim Cross,' as I call it, wouldn't have taken off the way it did." Rice scowled and contorted her face as she spoke of the "awful I-am-a-tough-one stance that everyone thinks is so cool."
She could not be stopped by the Secret Service as she began to crank up her monologue. "Not to pick on the 'press,' but just tune in any of your local ‘news' on any night. What do you see? There's the local 'talking head,' usually with a woman ‘reporter' (her hands in air-quote position constantly), what? ‘ARMS CROSSED', that's what. Do they ‘know' how they look? Do you see ANYONE in the ‘Bush administration' do that? NO! WE'RE the ‘example-setters' around here (referring to the world, not the room)."
She continued, apparently still unstoppable. "I saw Nancy Grace do ‘it' so many times I could ‘vomit,' but she's ‘cute' enough to bring it off. But COLBERT? He's not a ‘reporter,' he's a, what? He's a ‘comedian' posing as a ‘reporter.' I mean it, if that ‘sick' habitus of his (flaunting education) is going to persist, he should not be allowed to ‘pose' himself that way. And it has ‘NOTHING' whatever to do with his ‘dinner speech' that time."
At this point in her rant, Rice, imitated the cross-arm stance, but then folded her arms in such a way as to mimic a straitjacket. She crossed her eyes as well. "See how this looks? Do I look strong and brave? (No longer able to fling air quotes.) NO! I look COMMITTED!" (double entendre?)
The mimesis ramped up to such a degree that the Secret Service became visibly concerned (mouths opened, speaking into palms). Suddenly, as she began to dance about, hopping and squatting on occasion, blinking her eyes like a toad in a hail storm, two burlier (agents?) threw wet blankets over her and scooped her off the stage.
Her spokesperson (not Kim the assistant) later explained that she'd had an episode of indigestion triggered by a luncheon éclair, NOT a hissy fit, as earlier rumored.