Written by Ian Watson
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Topics: London, Africa

Sunday, 4 June 2006

image for G8 Countries launch radical aid package for Africa
UK Chancellor Gordon Brown promising Africans a new life

Today in London, the G8 countries showed the world that they mean to help Africa out of its current dilemma with a series of aid packages designed to bring relief to poverty, homelessness and unemployment.

Operation Pig in a Poke was lauded by the member states as the definitive end of Africa's problems, bringing in special teams and groups, allowing them to identify key areas of strife and with financial backing, alleviate the worst areas of poverty stricken Africa and bring aid and relief to millions of Africans.

Whilst operational details are being kept a secret, this initiative is also being seen as a boost for side industries in the West, Barrow Shipbuilders were given an order for a fleet of twelve deep-holded ships, British Manacles Ltd also announced the need for 200 new staff due to an order placed with them last week and the recently made redundant workforce from Himmler & Sons (Net maker) in Hamburg will be offered new contracts. A company in the US that recycles used McDonald's burgers into pigswill and is one of the biggest food contractors to the US peace mission in Iraq is also rumoured to be deep in negotiations with the G8 group and representatives are working with Barrow Shipbuilders on special requirements

The work will be carried out by Halliburton subsidiary Integrated Society Inc who will work with partner companies in delivering the package overseas.

Another Halliburton company KBR will be used for its expertise in developing secure storage areas such as seen in the open prison based at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba, famed for its stunning weather, free cigars and light hearted "holiday camp" regime, KBR will be overseeing several storage facilities in many of the member states but also further afield in plantations and settlements based in the Caribbean and South America.

President George Bush told the press conference "That it was time to return to basic values when helping Africa, we should not be sending them money or well fed celebrities when Africa has so much to offer us and we have looked at this carefully and decided that it is time to take the bull by the horns and pull Africa out of poverty by its pants…"

Chancellor Gordon Brown was enthusiastic also about this radical new plan to change Africa's fortunes, heralding it as "the future" for other third world nations if this plan works well, he deliberated a little for the benefit of the media in saying that "Homelessness will be a thing of the past in poor African nations, we will offer them new homes, new jobs, new lives, many of them will find a new way of life here in the west, where we will work together in close partnership for the good of the wes.. err sorry, I mean people involved". Mr Brown became quite emphatic at this point raising his right arm towards the horizon in a visionary fashion quoting the new operational name of IngSoc, to which the other leaders echoed this action in a deeply moving moment.

African leaders were cautious though at this approach, one AU representative stating to the AU Congress that he couldn't quite put his finger on it but hadn't African nations been here before?

This has already had a positive effect on certain areas of Africa, with large areas of arable and mineral rich land being seen on eBay this last week alone, it has not yet been disclosed where the inhabitants will move to but no doubt this is being kept close to the chests of the G8 representatives.

A team of representatives from western corporations such as BP and Exxon visiting the congress announced that all new work and aid packages would be delivered at the local docks and in a spirit of goodwill would need many thousands of people to go on ship and help unload goods and items from the bottom of the hold. Further reiteration was stated that for the workers safety, they would need special safety manacles and were not to be alarmed if the ship moved in port as this would be barnacle cleaning in progress.

Time will tell for the G8 directive, whether it will work or not as the proof will be in the pudding as they say.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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