Vatican City - Dressed more like Steve Jobs than St. Steven, Pope Benedict XVI introduced the Catholic Church's answer to Apple's iPad today, devoting his audience in St. Peter's Square to the global launch of the Moses Multi-Task Tablet.
"Anyone with access to a chip factory and a soldering iron can sell you a tablet computer these days," the Pope said. "Moses is different. It's built from the ground up to get you off the ground, or even out of the ground, and into a state of everlasting life."
With the help of a Jumbotron-projected PowerPoint presentation, the Pope demonstrated how Moses takes cloud computing to the next level. "It actually lets you choose the cloud on which you will spend the rest of eternity. Then it allows you to dial in your own comfort setting from extra firm to sinfully soft. It's like having one of those numbers beds, but without the hanky-panky."
The Pope then got behind the wheel of his glass enclosed Pope Mobile, connecting Moses to the vehicle's electrical system. "And Moses is the best GPS money can buy," he declared as he motored through the crowd, delivering blessings with his bumper.
"Whether you're tooling around Rome or cruising The Appian Way, Moses will show you the righteous path. There's even a function that will send you directly to the Pearly Gates, but of course you can only use that once. And Microsoft might have naming rights to that one."
The new tablet comes jam-packed with other free applications as well, according to Benedict. "Of course, these are sample apps that provide partial functionality. So for instance, you start off with only five Commandments, four Beatitudes, and three Deadly Sins. In-app purchases let you complete your collections."
The Pope had special praise for Moses' touchscreen. "Apple thinks it's so hot with its Retina display. Well, our tablet is equipped with Beatific Vision™. It will let you see things that those Apple geniuses can't even imagine."
Benedict concluded the product launch with a demonstration of Moses' personal assistant capabilities.
"Moses, pay my American Express bill," His Holiness commanded.
"No can do, Infallible One," the tablet responded. "Like the rest of Europe, the Vatican is fresh out of cash."
"Well, can't you do anything?"
"Want me to ask for a loan from one of the altar boys?"