As the Rio +30 summit in Brazil finished today, there was little hope that the conference on climate change would produce any concrete commitments. The summit was named after the 30th anniversary of the Duran Duran song. Ministers from over 100 countries were in attendance, while protests went on continuously outside.
The results were somewhat disappointing, as different governments were unable to reach any firm agreement. UK Environment Minister Colleen Ayre explained that the problem was not a lack of political will. Most governments wanted to do something positive and when faced with the scientific facts it was clear that something needed to be done. But in the end, she said, "we didn't want to look as if we had given in to a bunch of whiny hippy protesters."
Heal The Earth member Paul O'Sean agreed that the environmentalists were their own worst enemy. "Nobody likes a tree-hugger, and it looks like our obnoxious bleating about planetary catastrophe has annoyed a lot of people over the years. We've really shot ourselves in the foot by banging on about the bloody environment all the time."
UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon made the closing speech at the conference, where he pointed out that the protesters were still stuck in the 1980s with their patronisingly miserable 'we're doomed' slogans. "Them bitches gotta get with the programme. They cramping our style!" he rapped. He then suggested that if governments gave in to the hippies on climate change, they would be under pressure to give in on other issues, which would lead to everyone being force-fed lettuce and dolphins getting the vote.
Meanwhile, global warming denial groups also attended the conference to protest in large numbers. They claim that the world's climate is not changing at all, and if it is then it is only changing in the way that it has always done.
Climate change denier Rose Mercury said, "Last night it was 60 degrees, and today it's over 80. If the climate can change so much in one day, then how is a couple of degrees of so-called 'global warming' going to make a difference?"
Other deniers said, "If God hadn't intended us to burn fossil fuels, he wouldn't have hidden the fossils to test our faith in the first place."