In a surprise announcement, Monsanto admitted what many have suspected for some time, that their genetically modified crop program is out of control. But unlike the usual complaints of ruined crops and dead farm animals, these complaints involved people.
Medical authorities in Indianapolis, Indiana were bewildered when patients began flooding local hospitals, claiming that bugs were eating holes in their butts. Upon closer examination, doctors discovered a new insect whose DNA has never been seen before.
University entomologists say it appears to be a cross between a boll weevil and a chigger.
Boll Weevils have a long proboscis and eat by drilling a hole in the cotton boll.
Chiggers are minute blood sucking insects that burrow under human skin, leaving itchy red welts. They move towards the warmth of the torso and the rich blood supply around the buttocks.
"To have a bug that can do both (drill deep holes and burrow) means utter misery for the suffers, said Dr. Hugh R. Hurtin.
Scientists speculate that the sequence of events was as follow:
1). Monsanto engineered "Round-up Ready" soybeans. Those are soybeans that will not die, even after being sprayed with the highly toxic "Round-Up". (Glyphosate)
2). Monsanto then engineered Bt Cotton, a "Round-Up Ready" cotton plant. The boll weevils ate from those plants which altered their DNA.
3). The chiggers seem to have been eating the workers who processed the soybeans.
4). Somehow the boll weevils and the chiggers got together and their altered DNA made cross-breeding possible.
"No one saw this coming," a Monsanto spokesman said. However, when asked what level of toxicity makes it into the soybeans, which are commonly used in infant formula, the spokesman said, "Hey, the FDA never told us not to do it."
"Somehow, the "GMO soup" made possible this new super-pest. But don't worry. We can whip out a new pesticide, just as soon as we get our new guy at the FDA up to speed." He went on, "You know it really isn't our fault. As with most herbicides and pesticides, nature figures out ways to overcome what we do. Sometimes she fights dirty."
Legal spokesmen for Monsanto were quick to point out that all new genetic combinations resulting from Monsanto's research become the property of Monsanto.
"Therefore, we own everyone's ass who has been bitten," the spokesman noted.