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Friday, 15 June 2012

image for John The Baptist's pet gerbil was Bulgarian
Artist's impression of the Saint's fav pet

Black Sea - New Testament era animal bones at a Sveti Ivan Island archaeological site have tested positive for the holy man's pet gerbil 'Gerry'.

The discovery off the Black Sea's Bulgarian coast finally nails the lie that John The Baptist was a notorious cat fancier who 'lost his head' over a dalliance with Abyssinian pussies.

This morning scientists from Oxford University's radiocarbon dating unit said they'd paired the gerbil's remains with Pontius Pilate's favorite hamster Dolores, interred on Santorini.

The rodents' bloodlines are said to form the ancestral roots of the fabled Merovingian rodent dynasty that dominates current Illuminati pet theories on, er, loadsa stuff.

Like 'Did Jesus have a pet Chihuahua' or was he more of a Rottweiler kinda chap? Etc.

Preliminary DNA results suggest Germanicus Apoplexus, to give the Holy Desert Rat its full name, was a direct descendant of the famous Julio-Claudian family of gerbils bred for soothsaying purposes - much like the 2010 World Cup's 'Paul-the-Psychic-Octopus'.

The find bears an uncanny parallel with the 2007 discovery at Tours Catherdal of some cat remains - as well as those of an Egyptian mummy - venerated for centuries as the bones of Joan of Arc, France's premier saint.

According to QM-NewsCorpse sources former French President Jacques Chirac attributed his country's miraculous 1998 World Cup win to an apparition of Saint Joan.

Apparently she came to him in a dream after he had prostrated himself all night before her alleged relics in an act of penance imposed by the Vatican.

Chirac is quoted as commenting that 'all zat flagelation before zee bones was worth it, even if zey really were just an old mummy's pussy I was praying to'.

Today's breakthrough sees a scion of the ancient Gerry/Dolores mating identified as the Archbishop of Canterbury's very own Fringe-tailed Pygmy Gerbil 'Dickie', a leading ecclesiastical psychic medium rodent predicting footie results.

Last month Dickie's supernatural hunch saw Dr Rowan Williams 'win a packet' after correctly backing Bulgaria's shock 2-1 defeat of the Netherlands at a Euro 2012 warm-up game in Amsterdam.

Of course the side's not actually playing in the current knock-out contest.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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