Amazingly, Osama Bin Laden has sent a VHS tape to Arab News Corp TV claiming that he is not dead and holding up a newspaper from May.
"In this remarkable recording, he talks about how the Americans got it wrong," said Arab News Corp head of programming, John Davis. "We have used the latest in video techniques to analysis the recording," they watched it, "and to be honest it looks like a poor job of putting several bits of film together, but sush, don't tell anybody, ok?"
The tape has fooled the White House and the CIA, despite at one point, the newspaper that is held up floats four inches from Bin Laden's hands. They have launched an investigation.
"We're quite worried about this video," said Barak Obama. "We're especially worried on how Bin Laden appears to have developed psychic powers and can levitate a newspaper."
As well as now being able to levitate newspapers, a superpower on a par with being able to recognise a tractor just by its engine noise, Bin Laden apparently now has developed the ability of ventriloquism, and is very good at it. For one five minute section, the ex-head of Al Qaeda stays perfectly still, including his lips, and yet rants for the whole time about how inept the Americans are and he will be wrecking his revenge.
"We've gone to terror level red," said Obama. "We cannot take any risks. We are asking all American citizens to be wary of ventriloquists and levitating newspapers. Who knows what damage this back-from-the-dead psychopath can wreck now?"