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Topics: Angelina Jolie

Monday, 4 June 2012

image for Angelina Jolie Declares a World Emergency
"The world is doomed." said Jolie.

Angelina Jolie has declared a World Emergency because al-Qaida from Peshawar, Pakistan has used a highly technical form of biological warfare on a village in India in the town of Sadiya, in Assam state.

At a news conference Jolie tells the media that time is running out for the entire world. "The same terrorist cell that carried out the 2008 Mumbai attacks that killed 164 people and wounded at least 308 in India have created a genetically altered spider that is extremely dangerous." said Jolie.

Jolie says that al-Qaida can use this new biological weapon to kill 27,532 people in a large city. It would only take three weeks for the spiders to mobilize and eradicate all those human beings.

The town in India was suddenly overrun by swarms of genetically altered spiders leaving two people dead after being bitten. The spiders are highly venomous and they have a superior intelligence, much higher than a dogs'.

Al-Qaida combined the genes of the "black wishbone" spider, the "black widow" spider, and the "funnel web" spider to create a more aggressive and intelligent spider that attacks and kills humans.

The spiders are resistant to insecticide and they are extremely durable. An Indian man stepped on one of the spiders seven times and it came back to life to jump on him and then severely bite him on the hand. The man is in the hospital paralyzed.

Al-Qaida released the spiders during the celebration of a Hindu festival. Like a small military, the swarms of spiders suddenly appeared and attacked the villiagers.

Local resident Jintu Gogoi spent a day in the hospital complaining of excruciating pain and nausea after being bitten. He said weeks later his finger was still blackened and swollen.

District authorities are panicking -- "We don't know what to do, we are all going to die." said a district authority.

Locals say the most terrifying aspect is that the spiders communicate with each other and they coordinate their attacks and their retreats.

"It leaps at anything that comes close. Some of the victims claimed the spider latched on to them after biting. If that is so, it needs to be dealt with carefully. The chelicerae and fangs of this critter are quite powerful," head of the department of life sciences at Dibrugarh University Dr. L.R. Saikia said.

Teams of arachnid experts from around the world have flocked to the town, hopping to identify the species, but so far they have drawn blanks. "We have never seen anything like this in nature before," said an arachnid expert.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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