Vatican City, Thursday 4 May 2006 - (ReUterus & Associated Mess): After many decades of theological schizm, humbuggery and dire Pontifical warnings of hellfire and damnation, Pope Joseph Ratzinger has announced that the Vatican is to open its own condom factory later this year.
The move comes as the Dow Jones reports massive price hikes of rubber futures after the Vatican Bank's offshore exploration riggs discovered vast untapped reserves of natural liquid latex hidden deep below the Venice canals and immediate drilling was authorised.
In London the FTSE index also rose on the news, confirming rumours that there are larger rubber reserves in these unexplored Vatican-owned domains than all the oil deposits in Saudi Arabia.
The news means a drastic re-drafting of theological argument on the pros and cons of contraception which under previous Vatican administrations was severely frowned upon, largely because of a beastly rubber allergy first experienced by Pope Pius XII way back in 1940 when Eva Braun was granted compassionate leave by the Third Reich and paid him an official state visit on behalf of the Fuhrer.
However, no amount of sacremental anointing with ecclesiastical unguents could remedy the ensuing embarrassment when the freak allergy caused an instantaneous case of spontaneous circumcision on the Papal member.
This then caused subsequent Pontiffs much angst and necessitated them stretching their powers of infalibility over the use of contraception. Ergo, doctrinal restrictions have been imposed ever since on billions of hapless Church members.
The new Vatican-authorised rubber johnnies will go on sale in time for Christmas in a variety of Papal colours and will bear the official Opus Dei logo of the swastika and crossed fingers. Meanwhile, account holders at the Vatican Bank will automatically receive one month's free supply when purchasing the accompanying 'Miracle Suppositories' which, when used internally in the manner of continental medication intake, will be guaranteed to cure all pesky homosexual tendencies for at least one week.
The scientific breakthrough that led to the miraculous discovery of this Pay-pal panacea was funded by research initially started by one Heinrich Himmler in 1939, and patented by the Vatican after probate was granted on his estate, allowing his entire legacy to be inherited by the stellar visionary incumbent of St Peter's today.