VATICAN - Our mole on the Vatican guard issued an encrypted communique to our news desk minutes ago. The Pope's butler is being charged with being totally responsible for recent leaks.
The leaks have been quite embarrassing for the Pope, who depends on the butler to dress him in a manner that will stand up to the rigors of spending hours at a time in the Pope-mobile without toilet access.
Naturally, if the garments are not fitted properly and sealed with adhesive tape well, poo can leak out of the Popes garments, the very garments upon which his good image depends.
Lately, according to our mole, riding in the Pope-mobile has been more like riding in a poo-mobile.
The butler denies abusing aspartame.