The London 2012 Olympic events are in disarray, as the list of countries pulling out of the Olympics mounts - following fears of toxic level of French methane gas hovering over the capital - fearing for the safety of their sports stars and the air quality in the British capital over the summer. The French - Britain 'fart war' is on the verge of triggering a new European wide war.
For their first time since Napoleonic wars of early 19th century - embarrassed after being more worried about germ warfare from Al-Qaida - Britain has declared war with France as internment camps have been set up in South Kensington for French citizens. Residents of London are now certain to face a summer of increasing toxic air levels, hostile neighbours across the channel and the city hosting an Olympics with no competitors or visitors.
The events have rapidly snowballed over the last week since several leading weathermen and women were arrested by police under the prevention of terrorism act which has a sub-clause dealing with misreporting the weather. This followed a series of simultaneous outbursts on live TV from the country's leading weathermen that the recent spate of grey clouds and bad weather was down to French flatulence and that London's air quality was no better than in a squat toilet at a Calcutta international bus station.
Twitter and the blogosphere were immediately alight with people pointing to evidence to a sinister and covert operation from across the English channel that had been hatched by the government of French dark forces and the notoriously Anglophobic Sarkozy, after London beat Paris to be the host city in 2005. The outburst from the weathermen followed a terse exchange where they had demanded behind closed doors that the government do something but were laughed off as being mad.
The British government initially in public dismissed childish stories and refused to initially comment any further as it made desperate calls to world leaders to contain the spread of a story - with an eye on the money still to be made from sales of fluffy. The French ambassador was called to speak to No.10 but arriving for the photo opp wearing a gas mark, did nothing to quell the rumours.
The government health department with the Sports minister held an emergency press conference to reassure the international audience that London would be a safe place to visit for the Olympics, and that some middle eastern terrorists had penetrated the minds of the weathermen and breathed in and said, "the only farts I can smell are the ones from smelly journalists in the room."
The reassurances seemed hollow as CNN broke a story of satellite heat maps appearing on the net posted by anonymous hackers revealing hot spots along the French side of the English Channel which every night slowly made their way across to England.
Convoys of vigilante gangs headed to the white cliffs of Dover to take revenge on the French spurred by social media forums for people to fart in the direction of the Gallic neighbour. 'How did French Farts go undetected?' asked British media demanding an inquiry into the intelligence services. Twittersphere highlighted French businesses and Patisserie shops to fart on in revenge, leading to French people running to the border and supermarkets refusing to stock anymore French fancies.
Realising that they had an international disaster on their hand, the government organised another press conference with the Sports minister saying that French farts were less harmful than those of Anglo-Saxon variety, and that London rather than smelling of chips and smelly ethnics, had a nice odour of garlic. Despite this, India, China, Russia and Iceland said they were pulling out of the Olympics.
The media already dubbing this the Fart wars, reported in the last 24 hours the story of a French man seeking asylum in the British embassy in Paris. He claims he was threatened in January of this year with English food if he didn't head to Calais and break wind. Speaking on the telephone to Le Monde he said he held in Calais against his will, where he was forced to break wind on the hour, every hour, and spoon fed like a goose, puy lentils, to keep the farts going, along with thousand of others.
Yet French citizens proud of their countries covert operations and chance to bankrupt Britain, volunteered in droves to ramp up the level of farts heading towards England. Britain this morning declared war on France and a series of methane stink bombs exploded in the Louvre, sending American tourists jumping into the Seine to avoid the smell. Indian and Pakistan, as well as North and South Korea appealed to UN security council to intervene, whilst people marched on British and French embassies to show restraint.
Queen Elizabeth II has phone the royal houses of Europe to send farts the way of Paris and joining them in flattening the arrogant French, whilst Angela Markel and Vladmir Putin have been stocking up on cans of baked beans and lentils, stoking fears of the war escalating into all out European war.