Vatican City, Italy; Easter Sunday 16 April 2006 -(Associated Mess): An official statement today by the Chief Inquisitor at the Pontifical Prefecture of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith has confirmed that His Infallibility Pope 'Papa Ratzi' Ratzinger has entered a state of rapture at the historic Skull and Bones' enclave of the Holy of Holies in the Vatican, following his celebrations of the much-predicted miracle concerning the 1998 Good Friday Agreement between the IRA and the Vatican Bank.
Dressed only in the simple, Aryan robes of his predecessor and spiritual role model Pope Pius XII [seen here in the archive photograph] Ratzi has prophesied that the Provos' laying down of arms and decommissioning of all their weapons of Mass destruction was the final omen of the Secrets of Fatima which will see the imminent glorious resurrection of the Third Reich's founding father, his hero Pius XII.
Throughout this Holy Week, Pontifical aides have expressed their additional delight at recent news that the Rome murder trial of 'God's Banker' Roberto Calvi is widely expected to confirm the original 1982 suicide verdict by the London coroner.
"Suicide was extremely contagious during the Thatcher and Reagan administrations", said a Pontifical spokesman. "and has recently become fashionable once again in the Irish Republic, especially in the tiny hamlet of Shergar, County Louse - where Sinn Fein lifestyle guru Denis 'The Menace' Donaldson recently demised himself.
"Reports that this virus-like ailment may have reactivated and reached the Florida jail-cell of convicted Washington lobbyist Jack Abramoff are still mere speculation", continued the aide, "but we understand that a full-blown outbreak may occur just ahead of his Supreme Court testimony next year."
Meanwhile, the Pope's delight is even greater now that recent financial transactions from the Baghdad branch of the Riggs Bank - brokered by Human Rights emissary Cherry Bush QC via offshore laundries in Kabul - have ensured that Saddam's petro-dollar billions from the UN's Oil-for-Fraud initiative will be resting snugly in the Via Dolorosa coffers of his Holiness.
Indeed, the recent tragic and totally unexpected suicide of Sinn Fein supergrass Denis 'The Menace' Donaldson is widely believed to have been the turning point that ensured a smooth passage in the flow of funds to the Pontifical numbered accounts.
"Expect even greater miracles in the week ahead".