Written by Bernie F. Carlin
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Topics: America, Iran

Monday, 10 April 2006

Sources in the Pentagon this week have told reporters that America's military concern with Iran is about more than mere nuclear proliferation. According to these sources, the Defense Department identified Iran as a threat nearly two years ago, when it was revealed that they were pursuing a peculiar form of chemical warfare against the United States.

"When we first identified this new threat from Tehran," said one source, "we were too concerned with the, ahem, Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, to take decisive action over Iran. We have, however, been monitoring the situation carefully."

Theses sources claim that the US combat troops currently conducting covert operations in Iran are not especially concerned with Iran's nuclear program. "Even making generous estimates of Iranian capabilities, it is highly unlikely that they will have a fully functioning nuclear program inside of five years, and it is probably much further off" said another source.

The real reason for the US presence in and around Iran, these sources agreed, was concern over the Iranian plot to debase America's precious bodily fluids. According to some in the Pentagon, Iranian agents have been tainting America's water sources and food supplies with specially designed chemicals, whose functions, although not yet completely catalogued, range from sapping muscular strength to causing impotence.

"I can no longer sit back and allow Iranian infiltration... to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids!"

Although most discussion of this topic has been limited to quiet leaks to the press and anonymous interviews, some in the Pentagon have come forward to confront the problem directly. In a speech to a large audience at the US Air Force Academy, General Jack D. Ripper urged America to recognize the grave threat posed by Iran, and demanded that the administration show strength and fortitude in dealing with the Iranians, repeating the common wisdom about not negotiating with "terrorists".

Ripper also elaborated on the Iranian plot itself, one which official sources have been reluctant to acknowledge. At the conclusion of his speech, Ripper said "I can no longer sit back and allow Iranian infiltration, Iranian indoctrination, Iranian subversion, and the international Iranian conspiracy, to sap and impurify [sic] all of our precious bodily fluids!"

Both official Pentagon sources and the White House were reluctant to confirm any of these reports or the statements of General Ripper, but no official source has given an outright denial of these claims. "That's classified information, it is a matter of national security, so I will not comment at this time, save to say that we are investigating the matter," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan when asked about Ripper's speech.

"According to Pentagon scientists, Iranian agents have laced the international oil supply with these insidious chemicals. "This explains why breathing car exhaust is so harmful" said one such scientist..."

The White House was eager to stress that the nuclear threat from Iran is the reason for American interest in the country, and played down the possibility that the sapping of American "bodily fluids" might play a role. "The main concern right now is with maintaining our policy against weapons of mass destruction in the Middle East. We did not tolerate -cough- Saddam's weapons of mass destruction and we will not tolerate Iranian weapons of mass destruction" McClellan said.

Of further concern to the anonymous sources was the presence of these "fluid-impurifying" chemicals in Iranian and other Middle Eastern oil. According to Pentagon scientists, Iranian agents have laced the international oil supply with these insidious chemicals. "This explains why breathing car exhaust is so harmful" said one such scientist, "it is full of fluid-sapping Iranian chemicals".

Many military strategists and civilian health experts see no recourse but to strictly regulate emissions and push for less dependence on foreign oil. Military officers have banded with environmentalists in calling for federal subsidies to non-petroleum based forms of transportation and heating. "We must reduce our dependence on foreign oil and other imports, too many of which come from overseas," said one expert. "We must push for clean, green, non-foreign power sources if we are to defeat this insidious Iranian plot to destroy our country and sap our bodily fluids!" The same expert also suggested that the Iranians had developed the chemicals with the assistance of extraterrestrials, and that they were responsible for the assassinations of both Robert and John Kennedy.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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