Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: Smoking

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

image for Man Smokes 100 Cigarettes Before Lunch - And Lives!
Dave's pre-breakfast ashtray

Veteran English teacher Dave Stubb has amazed colleagues at a language school in Bangkok by claiming that he smokes 100 cigarettes before lunch - without any adverse effects on his health.

Dave, 70, but not looking a day over 69, has been smoking for more than 60 years, and made the claim during a rare break between fag breaks at the school on Monday.

To gain an insight into the world of the World's Most Prolific Smoker, our reporter spent some time with him, and this is what he found out:

Each morning, after bathing in coal, Dave smokes dozens of cigarettes as he prepares his breakfast of smoked kippers and burnt toast, washed down with an obligatory calming cancer stick.

Then, it's off to work for Dave, puffing enthusiastically on more Nicsticks as he commandeers a motorcycle taxi to take him the 150 yards to the main road - a journey he sometimes takes with his lips placed firmly around the bike's exhaust pipe for maximum toxin inhalation (MTI).

Once ensconced in the school, he then uses every opportunity to 'nip out for a fag break', or, as he says, "to get my nicotine levels up".

Other teachers can't quite believe how many cigarettes Dave smokes. One said:

"I can't quite believe how many cigarettes Dave smokes."

Dave, himself, laughed off his colleagues' concerns.

"I'm as right as rain. Well, acid rain, that is," he gasped, nipping out to get his nicotine levels up.

WARNING: Smoking tobacco can seriously damage your health, unless you're from the northeast, where it's part of the staple diet.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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