Kim Jong-un was reported to have fired 13 missiles over the course of this past weekend, 6 of which actually were successful in their launch. Fortunately, these missiles were misdirected. Reaching so far as Siberia, these nuclear weapons failed to harm any inhabitants.
According to psychologist Ronald Rage, "Jong-un was hit with a sporadic bout of his now diagnosed "stage 4 madness," a severe case of clinically proven unbalanced emotional hysteria. This type of illness has strong genetic linkages, which have caused his rare phenotype.
Deemed to be incurable, Jong-un will have to forever live with spontaneous occurrences of hate crimes. However, his doctors say they are working hard to curb his aversion to the human race. In the meantime, North Korean citizens live in fear everyday with the consequences of Jong-un's damaging disease.
Eun Sun, 21 year-old college student at Dongguk University says, "We were instructed to lock all doors and reside inside our closets within individual rooms. We remained in hiding for two days. Water and food, in the form of canned tuna, were provided for us. Guards came by the halls each morning at 9am to slip the necessary nourishment underneath our doors. Only then were we allowed to leave our confined spaces of refuge."
Another student, Hee Young recounts, "Students with influential political ties were given a box of matches along with a bullet proof vests in additional to food and water. The rest of us were kept in complete darkness." On a more positive note, Young believes to have developed better night vision as a result of these two days.
Back in the States, Obama's administrators report to have been working alongside Army officials to implement a new training regimen for US troops. Sources indicate their innovative approach consists of enlisting superstars such as Keanu Reeves, Angelia Jolie, Russell Crowe, Vin Diesel, and several other professionals to teach appropriate defense maneuvers.
Sentiments regarding this new program seem to be positive amongst troops. Marine, Ken Stalley in particular verbalizes his fervor: "Not only are we being trained in the mastery of outer-body feats, which will allow us to move our bodies in such ways as to avert any lethal targets headed our way, but we are also analyzing the precise procedure required to disassemble biological missiles underwater, those which could eliminate all traces of human civilization as we now know it."
Obama fully in support of the planned shift in military strategy says, "I am confident this change in defense tactics will assure the health and safety of our nation. It will take time to deploy, but I am sure if we work together we can foster an environment where it is finally safe to roam the streets without gazing at the skies in panicked terror for an impending missile to strike."
Clinton, on the other hand, has expressed his weaning skepticism concerning Obama's decisions. According to Clinton, "It is only a matter of time before I will be headed to North Korea in order to resolve yet another inter-world crisis."