Written by queen mudder
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Tuesday, 10 April 2012

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Might be a straightjacked job to keep him out of mischief this Friday

Rome - The Pope's private quarters had the full Bell, Book & Candle treatment today after minders found a red-haired voodoo doll stuffed inside a hidden crevice along with a handwritten billet-doux signed 'Love, Fidel'.

Vatican exorcists fear it means the Pontiff may have been secretly brainwashed at a private audience with Fidel Castro last week.

"And could top himself this Friday the 13th to fulfill the Third Secret of Fatima," according to our-man-with-the-incense-burner and tin foil hat.

The Virgin's 1917 prophecy predicted that 'a total madman' would one day bring down the church after being exposed as the Antichrist.

A transcript of the Fatima warning has described the last Pope ever as being 'from the toil of The Sun' in an apparent reference to the recent NewsCorpse mobile hacking scandal.

Apparently Fidel Castro told the Pope about his premonition that a 'flaming red-head' might spill some beans about a long-running newspaper cover-up.

Aides suspect the Cuban Consigliere might have been referring to outed KGB mata hari Anna Chapman - or possibly some other auburn-tressed vamp currently in and out of media headlines.

Quite what took place last week in private between the two old men remains a mystery - although the usual hush-hush online banking transactions may, of course, have played a part.

In any case doctors have upped Papa Ratzi's largactil medication before any attempt to put him into a straightjacket ahead of this apocalyptic Friday.

Rebekah Brooks is, of course, staunchly C of E.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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