Reacting to the sentence handed down by a U.S. court yesterday against arms dealer Victor Bout a.k.a. the 'Merchant of Death,' Russian officials vowed to challenge the ruling, calling it "a tragedy of historical proportions."
When asked how anyone could question Bout's guilt, Russian President Dmitry Medvedev said, "Oh, we know Bout is guilty. To say otherwise would be to suggest he was working for us."
He cleared his throat while loosening his collar with a single crooked finger before adding, "It's his mustache we're worried about. It doesn't deserve this kind of treatment."
The president went on to argue that the mustache was a political prisoner and should be released immediately.
"It must take its place in the Moscow Museum of Facial Hair, right between Stalin's mustache and Lenin's goatee."
The mustache could not be reached for comment.