Yet another great scoop from our intrepid weeki leeks reporter. The Chinese government is in secret negotiations with the Vatican this week and the main item on the agenda is the beatification of that idiot Chairman Mao.
The Vatican is almost broke because the weekly takings are well down as Catholics all over the world have become fed up with supporting the church and getting nothing back in return for their sacrifices. All they ever hear about is scandal as wayward priests continue to live in luxury and indulge in devious practices.
Another crucial reason for the Vatican's financial trauma is that worshippers in general are now much smarter than their parents.They are more reticent to give away hard earned cash and would rather use it to feed their children on genetically modified junk food, creating regular fresh batches of Monsanto Mutant addicts.
Apparently the Chinese are willing to bankroll the Vatican in return for Mao's sainthood. It must be said that he did one hell of a lot for reducing world population along with Stalin and Hitler. Without the diligent work of all three leaders the world population would have soared to unmanageable proportions by now, placing a horrendous strain on poor old mother Earth's severely strained and limited resources.
The Popes recent visit to Cuba seems to have gone down well and the general belief is that the crafty old Kraut Pontiff skipped town during negotiations with the Chinks so he could not be blamed. He can now in all innocence claim ignorance of the impending deal by saying he was out of the country visiting his good friend Fidel when those greedy bishops did the deal. The visit was also a good excuse to buy some new summer dresses to last out the rest of his papacy.
Another far less controversial way of raising much needed capital would be to sell off their hoard of art treasures, fakes and all. The only problem being, some of the original owners might lodge claims for the return of their property that disappeared during the last war. On the other hand the sales could be by invitation only, thus keeping out the undesirable elements.