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Sunday, 26 March 2006

image for Castro to Bush: "What am I, chopped liver?"
Fidel Castro reacts tearfully to a speech by the Group of 64 at the UN.

In a recent intense seven hour speech, Cuban president Fidel Castro complained bitterly that President Bush had been ignoring him lately in favour of "dictators of the moment" such as Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong Il and "wannabe rogue nations" such as Iran.

"I say to Mr. Bush, what am I, chopped liver?," the 79-year old Castro said to a packed square in downtown Havana. "Have we not been in a protracted struggle against one another for 50 years? Why have I not heard from you lately? In 2002, the United States put Cuba on its 'axis of evil' list along with Libya and Syria, and claimed that I, El Presidente, was actively working to obtain chemical or biological weapons. But since that time, I have heard hardly a bad word from you about this charge or how you are going to force regime change on the great nation of Cuba. Am I not bad enough for you anymore? Is that it? I can do worse, if you'll only give me a chance, I promise you."

Castro added that he was saddened and confused as to why President Bush had been ignoring him since he last threatened Cuba four years ago, even though he had been thinking of Bush daily.

"I understand that you've been busy with your wars in Aghfanistan, Iraq and elsewhere, but come on, not even one anti-Castro speech in all this time? You could even have gotten one of your cabinet secretaries to read it, I would have understood because I suspect you've had a lot on your plate lately," he continued. " What about a resolution at the UN Security Council? I'll even take that. Just please, please stop ignoring my so-called aspirations for destabilizing American interests in South America and supporting terrorism. You know it will play well with the Cuban exiles in Miami in time for the mid-term elections in November."

Castro went on to remind Bush that his island nation - situated just 90 miles off the coast of Florida - was still in a long-term partnership with the Soviet Union as recently as 1993 and had Russian nuclear missiles on its soil during the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962. "Just one bad word, is that too much to ask for? Why do you never call me a 'dangerous menace to continental stability' anymore like in the old days?," said Castro.

He then quoted from the text of a speech UN ambassador John Bolton gave several years ago that threatened rogue states that do not renounce terror and abandon WMD programs with pre-emptive strikes. The speech cited Cuba as one of the rogue states of particular danger.

"Uh ...ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,ha," giggled White House spokesman Scott McClellan who could not stifle his laughter when asked about Castro's recent outburst. "Yeah, we, uh, excuse me, I'm not ...uh, feeling well. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." McClellan then excused himself and could be heard cackling loudly as he walked off.

Other aging, washed-up dictators from Muammar Qaddafi of Lybia to Robert Mugabe of Zimbabawe have, not surprisingly, thrown their support behind Castro's plea. Yesterday, Hun Sen, unelected ruler of Cambodia, presented a statement - signed by 64 of the world's dictators - to the UN that denounced Bush for ignoring the tyrants' secret WMD programs and aspirations for world conquest for the last six years, while obsessing over Saddam Hussein and Iraq.

"What do we have to do for some attention around here? Bang our shoes on a desk?" quipped Sen in the UN chambers.

After the Group of 64 presented their case, UN Secretary General Koffee Anan was overheard remarking to an aid, "I'm getting too old for this crap."

Castro, who enthusiastically endorsed the letter, released a statement in support of the plight of what is being called the "Group of 64" on his website, www.fidelworld.com.

"What's the point of being a dictator when no one is calling for you to be overthrown? If no one is afraid of you, if no one reacts in fear whenever your name is mentioned, you really are not doing your country justice. You are a disgrace to your people," reads the statement in part. "I might as well just retire and move to Miami."

The Group of 64 are currently in Venezuela where they are being hosted by President Hugo Chavez. Sen said that they will be soon embarking on an international speaking tour.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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