Written by Menominee
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Martin Krauthammer, a 41-year old Belgian national and middle-ranking functionary at the EU in Brussels, hoped in February that his career - and his unrequited love for German Chancellor Angela Merkel - could only be enhanced by learning to read and speak German.

Accordingly, he sent €59.99 to the acclaimed Berlitz language school for a set of three subliminal instructional CDs. According to the website selling the discs, and a pamphlet which accompanied them, Martin would  - by listening to the content just before and after he went to sleep - wake up conversant in German.

Martin takes up the story.

"On Monday I put the first CD into my Walkman and settled down in bed. My wife thought I was nuts but since I'd assured her that once I was a fluent German speaker I would leave her for Angela Merkel she went along with it. I slipped into unconsciousness beside a little Bach and a poem by Goethe.

"The next morning...nothing! I knew no new words of German and had indeed forgotten a sizeable proportion of my Belgian vocabulary. I did however develop a penchant for smoked sausage.

"I loaded up the second disc on Tuesday evening and dozed off to a quick burst of Schumann and a lecture about concrete delivered by Albert Speer. Next morning...nothing again! I had barely a thought in my head - in any language; I could barely make the serving girl get me a Weissbier in the canteen without slapping her repeatedly.

"On night three I was absolutely bushed. My wife had gone to stay with her sister and I was in bed by 8.30. I inserted disc three and slumbered pleasantly enough to a burst from the Ride of the Valkyries and a short speech from Himmler.

"I woke the next day, again, with no additional, discernible Germanity and set off to work as usual, cursing my wasted sixty euros.

"However, around 10am I became overwhelmed with a desire to commandeer a Volkswagon, drive it to Poznan, shoot several thousand Poles, claim dominion over their nation, set up an extermination camp and gas gypsies and Jews. Which I did.

"I know now that this was entirely inappropriate behaviour and I apologise unreservedly to the families of the Poles, gypsies and Jews I exterminated.

"Since I was a wishy-washy liberal EU cellar-dweller only four days ago there is no doubt in my mind that only the Language Course can have caused this unbelievable conversion and I have accordingly sought legal redress."

Berlitz said - in several languages - that this man is plainly a loony and they refuse to accept any responsibility.

Make Menominee's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 4 multiplied by 1?

9 10 15 4
43 readers are online right now!

Go to top