Written by kurusch
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Topics: France, French

Saturday, 18 March 2006

image for France embattled again.
Jack the hat Chirac.

Rioting continues in Paris, France as 250,000 protestors took to the streets again. French President, Jack the hat Chirac, has offered negotiations to the brick throwers in an attempt to diffuse the situation. ‘My ‘eart breaks wiz sorrow to see ze flower of French youth bashing ze police again' he said on French Radio Quatre. ‘We ‘ave only just cleared up ze mess from ze lousy Muslim rioters, Euros do not grow on ze trees you know'.

Students took to the streets to oppose a new employment contract which will allow those under 26 to be dismissed for the first two years in a job without any reason. Pierre de Apple, a student spokeman said ‘we are being treated as ze Kleenex generation of disposable workers'. Wiping tears of anger and a large dose of CS gas from his eyes with a tissue, he told me ‘I ‘ave my ‘ole life before me, and what does Jack promise? I will tell you what ‘e promises, sweet FA, as you Anglo Saxons say'.

As pavements were torn up and shoved through the nearest McDonalds windows, interior minister, Dominique Tiara Boompsadasy, exclaimed angrily ‘Ze thugs are at it again and we will not tolerate zis new crisis'. Sipping a 1939 Moet et Chandon, and preparing to attend the Opéra Comique, Boompsadasy shouted out of his third floor window overlooking the champs elyse , ‘You fools, why don't you do zis outside ze American embassy, zey enjoy it!'

Upon being told of Boompsadasy's outburst, Jack the hat Chirac immediately telephoned the distraught minister and offered him a short break on Devils Island. Shortly after, had the noise of insurrection not been so loud, the rioters would have heard Boompsadasy's voice coming from his window, tremulously shouting ‘Sorry my friends, look over zere, I can see a Burger King wot you ‘ave not smashed up yet'.

The Sorbonne University was said last night to be under siege by a crowd of beer swilling students. Police used water cannon on the ugly mob but they responded by removing their clothes and dancing. Heavily armed riot police then moved in and set about the naked drunks with relish. According to reports, the relish was Heinz Sweet Corn Spread. This use of the hated American condiment so angered the crowd that they fought back with mayonnaise which drove the police back.

Many students regard the 105 year old President Jack as out of touch. They want to see a younger man leading their great country. ‘We want Ferro!' was the chant outside the Élysée Palace. Ferro Roche is widely admired amongst the younger section of the electorate. Roche, currently touring France with his jazz band ‘Le Cretin Nouveaux ‘, is a dashing politician and seen as a rising star. At only 89, he represents the ‘generation in waiting'. Tall and distinguished looking, Roche cuts a gay figure. Many have compared him to Napoleon Bonaparte. Andre de Ponce, Roche's spokesman told me ‘Nappy was a bit shorter but zey ‘ave much in common. Both are patriots and Ferro loves to stick ‘is ‘and into ‘is belly pocket. I love ze man'.

Tonight an uneasy calm hangs over the French capital.

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