After over a millennium of anticipation, punctuated by occasional promises from their Lord of a Messiah to be named "later," Jews worldwide were thrilled to learn that their Messiah will be named SOON. Sources have confirmed that on the short-list for Messiah-dom are: 1) linguist, activist, and "libertarian socialist" Noam Chomsky; 2) charming and handsome Jewish comedian Gary Gulman; and 3) 28-year-old Rachel Weinstein, a little-known Jewish woman of humility and quiet devotion residing in Detroit, Michigan.
The short-listing of Chomsky, whom some have called a traitor to modern-day Zionism, has sparked great controversy among American and Israeli Jews. Similarly, many were angered at the short-listing of Gulman, who, at 6'6", has been accused of being too tall to be truly Jewish; many also fear that Gulman might use newfound deity status as a springboard for his comedic career. The Jewish public has in large part rallied behind underdog Weinstein ("the last shall be first"), perhaps out of eagerness to produce the first female Messiah among well-known Western religions.
Some religious leaders speculate that all three figures will be granted key roles in the Jewish divinity, thereby creating a Jewish Trinity rivaling, potentially even surpassing, that of Christianity.