Written by French Marilyn
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Thursday, 15 March 2012

image for Nixon phones White House from the Beyond
Nixon says he's dead straight

Information Technology experts from both the CIA and FBI are studying a tape recording of what is believed to be a telephone call from the beyond made by the late President Richard Nixon.

Our reporter who listened to the tape before a White House security agent seized it and handed it over to the CIA and the FBI, reports that the call began with Nixon saying he was calling to make sure everyone understood he was "straight and not homosexual" as is being claimed in a new book written by a former White House correspondent.

"The telephonist first thought her leg was being pulled," says our reporter.

Richard Nixon explained that he was indeed dead, but it did not mean he no longer knew what was being said and written about him on Earth.

He can next be heard to say he has never as much as looked at a man twice, never mind having held hands with Bebe Rebozo as is claimed in the new book.

"And John Dean" (the Nixon White House counsel) "had all the goods to have turned any man's head, but mine he did not turn. On the other hand, Henry" (Henry Kissinger, Nixon's National Security Advisor) "had nothing in the looks department," he is heard to say.

He also vehemently denied having been close to the mob.

He said: "Speaking of the mob. You should come here. The Italian mob's running the show here. The big guy here is Peter from Rome, known as Saint Peter of the Pearly Gates. He's got tapes running all the time and he's listening in to whatever is being said not only up here but down on Earth. Speak of Watergate! He's got his own Pearlygate going here!"

From what our reporter has learned from his CIA and FBI contacts, they think it was indeed the late President Nixon on the telephone recording.

The phone call is generously sprinkled with expletives.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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