Written by Johnny Moodis
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Topics: Chocolate, Candy

Wednesday, 5 November 2003

image for Willy Wonka Accused of Sweatshop Practices
A downtrodden Oompa Loompa child tells his tragic tale to the authorities.

Willy Wonka, that crazy singing king of candy, was accused Wednesday of putting Oompa Loompa children to work in his famous chocolate factory and abusing them.

"We have firm evidence that Mr. Wonka has knowingly hired Oompa Loompa children, put them to hard labor and beats them to keep them in line," said Robert Rivera of the FBI.

The allegations came to light when a group of factory tourists listened to an Oompa Loompa song that made allusions to the apalling conditions. According to eyewitnesses, the song went like this:

"Oompa Loompa loopidy doo,
I've got another puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa loopidy dee,
please listen up or he will beat me.
What do you get when you're just a small child?
A job stirring candy, isn't that wild?
But we're too young and we just want to play,
but Wonka makes us work ... all ... day!
ThenHeBeatsUsWithAWhip."

"When I heard the song, I knew something wasn't right," said George Pinkerton, one of the tourists, "Oompa Loompas are supposed to be happy and fat, these kids were under-fed and lethargic."

Wonka strongly denies the accusations that he puts children to work, beats them and forces them to sing for the tourists under threats of violence.

"Look at them!," Wonka said in a press conference, "You can't tell the difference between an adult and a child! Sure I have to keep them in line once in a while, but that's the price you pay for the world's best candy."

Charlie Bucket, CEO of Wonka, Inc. claims that many Oompa Loompas lie on their job applications to work at the factory.

"They just want to get away from Loompa Land so badly, they'll do anything," said Bucket, "They want to come here and work as soon as possible, so they don't have to grow up running from vermicious knids."

The Justice Department has launched a full investigation on the matter, and the factory could be shut down permanently.

"This kind of cruelty to children will not be tolerated, no matter how orange their faces are," said Rivera, "We will show no mercy. We'll seize the golden geese, the choco-river, the Hsawaknow, everything."

This isn't the first time the Wonka chocolate factory has come under fire. In 1971, the very first tour of the factory resulted in the tragic and gruesome deaths of four children. However, the children had signed a contract prior to the tour that vindicated Wonka from any responsibility.

Bucket was the sole survivor.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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