(Tehran) This morning, Iranian Oil Minister Ali Oxen Free announced additional bold policy changes in response to sanctions against his country by Western nations. Following on the footsteps of Iran terminating all contracts to export crude oil to Britain and France this past weekend, Minister Free outlined additional export agreements to be cancelled.
"Beginning on February 29th 2012, The Holy and Righteous Nation of Iran will no longer export any of its crude oil to the countries of Santorini, Monaco and Pitcairn Island." The former Iranian cleric turned oil futures and options trader, followed by his appointment to the ministerial position told both international reporters gaining legal entry into his country, "Iran will not stand idly by while porn watching, McRib eating Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader ogling infidels attempt to impose their impure infidel will on our sovereignty. Let us see how long their people allow their governments to attempt to extort our nation, while they are unable to have demolition derbies or go on extended trips in gas guzzling vehicles." When this reporter informed the Minister that those three countries combined have less than (100) miles of paved roads, I was threatened with arrest and castration by Weed Whacker. Fearing weed whacking of my tallywhaker, this reporter assumed a role as a silent objective observer. I was dying to ask about his familiarity with Jerry's girls, but wisdom prevailed.
The Pitcairn Island Envoy to the UN, released a statement to the press following Iran's oil embargo of his nation. Mr. Fletcher Christian XXXI, speaking for his nation of Christians and two gas powered vehicles replied in response, "Mr. Ali Oxen Free and his nation of zealots, luddites, and wombats will not have any impact on my country. Over the past decade, we have imported slightly more than (10) imperial gallons of his crude oil, mostly to rub on the lithe bodies of the remaining female aboriginal inhabitants of our island. We can easily substitute Kama Sutra Oil, Karo Syrup, honey or our infinite supply of coconut milk. My personal preference is a blend of honey with the tangerine variety of Kama Sutra, but I digress. The right good Minister is bollocks."
Foreign Minister of Santorini, Honorable Aldo Cella spoke to a gathering of reporters in his country. "We will not send one bota of wine, not one olive, not one ugly virgin to this rogue nation of hoodlums. And we will direct all of our video kiosks to deny rental or allow streaming privileges of any Sophia Loren or Gina Lollobrigida movies to anyone holding an Iranian passport. How much oil does this fool believe it takes to keep (12) Vespas going? These people have more holes in their heads than a bag of tortellini and dicks like penne lisce. I spit on his sandals. Toey! And should I know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders?" With that, Minister Cella cast a one finger salute to the clicking cameras and marched out.
As of yet, there has been no official word from Monaco, but the casinos only close for the anniversary of the death of Princess Grace, so no government ministers were available.