Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 14 February 2012

image for Genetically Engineered Monkeys Now an Eco-Friendly Option for Hybrid Cars
Dirty windshield? Warm jets of fluid are ready.

In response to consumer demand for more ecology oriented automotive features, car manufacturers will be introducing a new line of optional trunk monkeys to help save on accessory power usage, thus reducing the car's overall carbon footprint.

Taking advantage of recent accomplishments in the genetic reengineering of monkeys, who can now claim, if they could speak of course, that their feet glow in the dark, automotive engineers will be training the monkeys to perform several tasks. "They are quite intelligent", says lead Toyota engineer, Taka Shitake, "Features like windshield wipers and sprayers, rear window defrost, and automatic battery recharging which normally require significant power, can now be performed by the monkey. It is a significant reduction in the car's carbon footprint", says Shitake.

At India's Tata Motors testing center, monkeys were shown to be excellent at manually wiping rain from the windshield and strategically directing urine to the dirty spots on the glass needing the most cleaning. "Of course they can scrape off frost and snow just as easily", says lead Tata Motors engineer, John. John did not offer his last name.

When not performing external tasks, the monkeys return to the trunk area via special trap door where they pedal a mini generator attached to a bicycle frame to charge the Hybrid batteries. "The whole system works very well indeed", says John. "And the monkeys last as long as the life of the car, provided you feed and water them of course".

Some car enthusiasts are not thrilled with the change to monkey driven wipers and defrosters. Upscale Jaguar cars, manufactured by Tata Motors, will not be offering the same features. "These owners don't care much for trunk monkeys. Something about the smell emanating from the trunk after a few days", says John.

American critics of the trunk monkey option, aside from the regular cast of animal cruelty groups, say that the carbon footprint isn't reduced at all. "What puts fewer greenhouse gases in the atmosphere?", asks Automotive Enthusiast Magazine editor, Rusty Bolton, "efficiently burned gasoline, or the gases produced from all the fertilizer and food production needed to feed the monkeys, not to mention the methane and CO2 produced after they eat?"

Despite the criticism or any empirical evidence to support the "green" attributes of the trunk monkey, hybrid remains hot in the marketplace and the trunk monkey is expected to make its automotive debut sometime in 2013. Women and geeky men seeking to upgrade their current pet affiliation are seen as the biggest potential market segment with fanatic ecology buffs bring up the rear.

"I just don't know", says current Jaguar owner, Melvin Skoobington who viewed the new model at this year's London Automotive show. "It all smells a bit funky back there. No place I'd want to store my luggage on a long trip to Blackwater".

Hearing Skoobington's quote, Bolton pounded his own chest twice and pointed eastward across the pond saying only, "Word".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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