TOKYO - The emperor of Japan has announced that Japan will be "Moving to Mars" by 2020. According to sources close to the emperor's secret compound, the plan to move Japan to Africa was foiled by huge insects that terrified Japanese school children, even when heavily dosed with aspartame, fluoride, and refined white rice.
Scientists there, according to Dr. Shokurklinga of the Japan National Science Laboratory, think that they can relocate all 'useful' citizens there before radiation wipes out the population, or produces a race of degenerate mutants.
The move will be financed by selling Japanese citizens to China to be processed into dog food, since dogs are highly prized in China, and China has a lot of money.
"We have learned a lot of things from history. Killing huge amounts of people and wasting the bodies is stupid. Hitler showed us what happens when you do that", the emperor was quoted as saying by sources.
The rockets being prepared for the journey will be powered by nuclear energy salvaged from the remains of various defunct reactors. The nuclear stages will jettison prior to landing on Mars, according to scientists.
Prices of Japanese cars are expected to rise slightly.