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Wednesday, 1 March 2006

image for US-India Relations in Danger After an Attempt on the President's life!
Bush shocked by a "bad version" of baseball

New Delhi: The hitherto warm and fuzzy relationship between the two great democracies of India and the United States today took a turn for the worst after an attempt was made on the life of the visiting US President, George W Bush. According to unconfirmed reports received through even more obscure sources in the Pentagon - we can now confirm that a dastardly attempt of a cowardly nature was made on the life of the President. This sad event occurred as George W Bush was innocently enjoying a game of local baseball (also known as cricket) at the Feroz Shah Kotla ground.

Although details are still a little sketchy sources close to the main gatekeeper at the Kotla, Mr. Gawal Mandi, the attempt at the life of the President was orchestrated by a member of the Indian cricket team- a perpetually 18 yr old batsman known by his underworld code name - Dhoni.

Apparently, Dhoni due to reasons best known to him, decided to launch a withering assault on his English counterparts.

During this attack, he deliberately hit a ball in the direction of the VIP enclosure. The President, at that time, was in the middle of a crisis meeting with Vice President Cheney. This crisis was triggered after Mr. Bush was informed of the fact that the game he was watching was actually cricket and not a bad version of baseball. He, therefore, did not take note of hysterical cries from the Indian crowds and was seriously contemplating taking part in what he deemed to be a Mexican wave of Tsunami proportions.

In the meanwhile, as the ball weighing 4-6ozs hurtled towards the President, the US Air Force known for its swift response, responded immediately by unleashing a battery of Patriot Missiles at the cricket ball.

As a result the ball was blown to smithereens at approximately 10 meters from the President`s nose. Furthermore, in order to avert a follow up attack by terrorists, the US Air Force aircraft then bombed the field, crowd and adjoining areas in a 200 mile radius. Additionally, using a blunt surgically precise strike, they also removed the projectile launcher ie Dhoni's bat, with a cruise missile.

Dhoni's whereabouts are unknown but the CIA is examining DNA traces from white flannels found on the field. According to some eye witnesses, Dhoni may have escaped on motorcycle and may now be hiding in the city itself, dressed as a cricketer. In other news, this correspondent has also been told by sources that during the mayhem caused by the massive US response, Vice President Dick Cheney, fresh from his heroics in the duck shooting world, also shot what appeared to be another terrorist suspect. The unfortunate victim is described as a Bengali male in his mid 30s and one who resembled the Indian cricket Captain, Saurav Ganguly.

Our Cricket correspondent writes:

While most of Indians were shocked by the chain of events, many blamed the famed "foreign" element for planting a bat with exceptional stroke in Dhonis hands. In fact, according to some intelligence reports made available to the us, Dhoni was clearly trained by the notorious Taliban for this heinous attack. In his defense, the Indian coach Gregory Peck, blamed the English bowlers (most of whom were also trained into submission in Pakistan and Afghanistan ) for bowling criminal balls to Dhoni which resulted in this tragedy.

Whereas, the city of New Delhi wore a deserted and depressed look due to some "minor" collateral damage caused by US strikes on Feroz Shah Kotla, some Indian cricket players were not too surprised at the sight of the pitch. After inspecting the bomb ridden pitch at the stadium, top Indian spinner Harbhajan Singh declared the pitch ready for the next test match

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