World renowned satirical website, thespoof.com has announced that it has finally run out of patience with utterly inept and misguided contributions from budding authors, and that it is to introduce competence testing, in order to prevent the pig headed and plain stupid from submitting incorrectly categorised stories.
WITH NO TAGS!
The unprecedented move came about when CEO, Mark Lowton, logged on as Admin, and discovered to his horror, that fifty percent of submissions are forwarded without tags!
And it seems that that's only the tip of the iceberg.
It all proved too much for Mr Lowton, who ran away covering his ears with his hands when confronted.
Screaming something about 'tags' 'audience' 'category'
Upon being caught hyperventilating behind a dry stone wall in the precincts of Lancaster Castle, Mr Lowton blurted:
"I've tried to make the submission process idiot proof! It's all there - all you have to do is fill in the form, as it stands! It really isn't rocket science! Headline! Story! Tags! Image! Caption! Oh no! I want my mummy! Some of these people are doing my head in!"
In an effort to set the record straight, Spoof contributor, Skoob, stepped up to the plate and issued the following statement, whilst wearing a pork pie hat, and attempting to impersonate his alter-ego, Martin Shuttlecock:
"Right," said Shuttlecock. "For a kick off - NO FUCKING HEADLINES CAPITALISED! - You can do it if you like, but no fucker wil pass it, and it'll lounge in limbo for a long time. DO YOU GET THAT?!
"GOOD! - are we making progress? In that case I shall continue.
"Next - Body - write your shit. Doesn't matter what it's about. Just write the fucking thing out.
"Next - Category. Simples! Is it headline News? If it has a British bias - it goes in UK News. Same for US bias - US News. Are you with me? Stories not connected to the UK or North America go in World News. Sports stories go in Sports News, Entertainment stories go in Ent and Gossip, Science stories go in Science and Technology, Business stories in Business.
"Next up, Audience. Think about this one. If you're writing about President Obama, or the GOP, it's for a US Audience. Likewise US sports. Generally speaking, if you're American, or Canadian, you'll be writing for a US audience.
"Same rules apply for Brits, Manchester United may be world famous, but anything about them should be aimed at a British audience, and not an international one. Likewise stories about the Queen. She may be known the world over, but the writing is probably geared for a British audience. Writing about celebs can be tricky, but think about which audience you're aiming for, and stick to that.
"For a story to appeal to an international audience, it shouldn't really have any British or US connection. An American or British take on foreign affairs should be for a UK or American audience, even if it's about the middle east, or Africa, or wherever.
"Finally: TAGS! This is a thorny topic, but basically, add tags. It links your stories to other entries, and makes it easier for the reader to stay on a topic of interest. It lightens Mark's load too. If you can't be arsed to tag a story, Mark usually ends up tagging it for you. And this wastes his time. It's good manners to add tags. Most people do it. It's easy, it doesn't take long to do, and it saves the boss a lot of unnecessary hassle. So, if you want your story out there, follow the rules.
"Right. It's beer time for moi!"
Mark Lowton will be appearing in Top Gear on Dave next Sunday, trying to drive a car without a steering wheel. He made a brief statement to the effect that he doesn't necessarily agree with all of the drivel written above, but said he'd sort of tolerate it, unless it starts getting out of hand and people start submitting their stuff to the correct sections and add tags. But he admits there's very little danger of that happening.
More as we get it