Holocaust denier David Irving is denying reports that an Austrian court has sentenced him to three years in prison for denying the Holocaust ever happened.
"It's not true," he said. "And my name isn't even David Irving."
Irving said that the people spreading rumors of his sentencing are the same ones who are saying that Iran has nuclear reactors and that there's "a guy out there named Osama whose planning terrorist attacks."
"It's total nonsense," he said, "Iran doesn't have any reactors, and they don't support terrorism either. Hezbollah doesn't even exist! Neither does al Qaeda. I'm not even sure you people exist. You could all be just a part of a terrible dream that I'm having. Hopefully, I'll wake up from this nightmare soon, and if I don't, please pinch me."
Irving says he believes that all of life is really a figment of some mysterious writer's imagination and that life's stories change according to the whims of this unknown writer's imagination.
However, Irving says he has read Adolf Eichmann's papers in which he talks about the gas chambers, and although he's not even sure if Eichmann ever really existed or not, "we might as well go with his account of the holocaust, since he is one of the main people involved."
"Besides," Irving said, "that guy spent a lot of time writing those papers, so why not give him a little exposure. Let the guy make a little money off his writing. At least he'll be making his money telling people some of the things that actually happened while this Irving fellow makes his money simply by telling people that nothing happened. Even I could do that!"
When a reporter told Irving that Eichmann was dead, Irving told the reporter "Looks like you're denying Eichmann's present-day existence, huh?"
According to noted Psychiatrist Dr. Peter Winchell, Irving is not only suffering from a severe disorder in which he is in complete denial of everything around him, but he also believes that everyone else is practicing denial on him.
Winchell says that Irving even told him that the police had denied him his right to remain silent and the right to retain a lawyer, and they even denied him his right to make one phone call upon his arrest.
Meanwhile, Irving says that even if the latest reports of his sentencing are true, he will refuse to serve his sentence - since he's not really Irving. However, he said he was more than willing to help the authorities find the real Irving, if there really is an Irving.
"I don't want to look for somebody who doesn't even exist," Irving said, "and I certainly don't want put a non-existent person in jail if he's not really Irving......" After a slight pause, Irving gave a confused look at the reporters surrounding him and with pleading eyes he begged them "Please pinch me! Please! This confusing nightmare of myne is never gonna end!........ Ouch! Not so hard!"