The controversial 'revisionist' historian, Gruppenfuhrer David Irving, has added fuel to his personal pyre by claiming to be a 'beneficient philanthropist' who would 'do anything for anyone'. "Once, when I spilt mustard on my shirt during a Nuremburg Barbecue, Hitler gave me a clean Stormtrooper uniform to wear while the shirt was being cleaned by a thousand concentration camp inmates, who incidentally lived for free in The Fuhrer's 'garden shed'.
Another time, when my lawn needed mowing, he engaged the assistance of several gypsies who were well-known for thoroughly enjoying eating grass with their gums.
Irving, whose previous publications include the book, 'Well Butlin's wasn't exactly Disneyland, was it?' and "How to be fat and still convince people that you aren't', says that he has always been 'misrepresented' by the media. His trilogy, 'Stalin: The Banjo Band Years', was described by one critic as "a masterpiece of creative psychosis", and by another as "I give up".
Commenting on his jail sentence for the act of Holocaust denial, Mr. Irving said that he intended to "fight this all the way. I have engaged the services of the civil rights campaigner, Dr. Zyklon B. Canister, in my quest for justice".
Dr. Irving - who studied for his Ph.D. in Linguistic Obfuscation at the University of Another Planet - stated that the media hounding to which he is constantly subjected is based on 'pure Zionist propaganda' and the fact that 'my hats are usually more expensive than my critics' shoddy caps. Human nature being what it is, a man with a natty titfer is often the subject of the most vituprative abuse. I've a good mind to write my next work while wearing a bus driver's uniform'.
Members of Dr. Irving's family were said to be 'deeply shocked and distressed at the treatment handed out to such a nice man'. His favourite Uncle, Mr. Heinrich Rudolph Himmler-Hess Wagner-Buchenwald, said of his nephew, "David is a good boy, and never seeks to deliberately offend anyone. Even as a child he went out of his way to assist the people he loved. His Uncle Vlad -ha! ha!, him and his impaling - will verify that".
David Irving's latest book, 'Attilla the Hun - A Life In Vaudeville" is avaiable at all good lunatic asylums.