Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 27 January 2012

image for Jumping Spider, Putin's Wagon

Following reports from researchers in Japan about the unique vision characteristics of the Brown Jumping Spider, Vladimir Putin claims to have studied and discovered the distance judging proclivities of the spider some five years earlier, from the interior of his Volvo Estate Wagon.

Japanese scientists were shocked and amazed at the announcement from Russia, and are measuring the extent of their soon to be self imposed shame, while Putin waves generic photos of spiders and pieces of paper with colored lines drawn on them in front of the press.

International reporters familiar with Putin's press releases, doubt that any of these most recent claims are in fact true, given his history with creating history. "I've seen the footage of Putin killing a whale with a crossbow, saving reporters from a tiger attack, and shaking paws with a sleeping polar bear. Let's just say it's good TV", says London Sun-Times reporter, Clive Gottice-Kooperton. "I doubt very highly that he took the time to watch jumping spider behavior, much less analyze it, much less doing anything other than ride in the back his armored vehicle".

Putin claims that he will be releasing his findings to the military to improve the accuracy of their smart weapons.

Actor Chow Yun Fat is negotiating for the movie rights to the story.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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