Havana, Cuba - Machines of all description will be ruined when oil mixed with raw sugarcane juice is exported from Iran in the coming days.
Raul Casablancabenot, press-underling in the Castro administration, was boasting to reporters in a bar near his home about the secret plan. Casablancabenot was drunk on Diet Cola and cheap rum at the time.
Scientists consulted at the National Bureau of Standards confirmed that such oil could bring down civilization in a matter of weeks.
When Hillary Clinton was contacted, she explained that the plot was already known about at State. The Navy already has a plan in place to intercept the sugar boats and replace them with harmless chemicals, she explained over the phone.
The chemicals active ingredient is aspartame which will not only make the mix taste just as sweet as sugar, but make it harmless to machinery, according to anonymous Navy sources.
The military is counting on the toxic effects of aspartame to depopulate Iran since the aspartame has been weaponized, making it spread with the wind.
FDA and EPA were contacted, and Ms. Hamburger approves.