Written by Joe Leff
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Wednesday, 18 January 2012

In a drastic plan to evade prosecution for fraud, Pierre Bagsoffit, Chief of Swiss Central Bank, thought he'd try a bit of face grilling. Bagsoffit had amassed nearly 5 billion euros by distorting accounts and sometimes adding too many noughts.

When the top bank chief heard that he was about to face grilling about these large-scale discrepancies, this gave him an idea for an unusual means of disguise. Instead of dark glasses and balaclava, Bagsoffit went for the 'singed eyebrows' and dark tan look.

Unfortunately, he grilled his face for too long and ended up with shrivelled eyeballs, medium-rare cheeks and an over-cooked nose. His teeth looked spectacularly white against his cinder-black lips (or what was left of them).

Spitting out bits of charcoal, Bagsoffit admitted that it was a 'heat-of-the-moment' mistake. From his secret cache of funds, he could easily have afforded plastic surgery, but "couldn't face up to the knife."

Bagsoffit was unrepentant when facing media reporters and paparazzi. "My face is my fortune," he mumbled bizarrely, with the embers of a grin reflecting in the camera flashes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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