The existence of a clandestine anti-ginger movement was confirmed this week following charges levied against Sarah Ferguson by the country of Turkey for foreign relations tampering. After considering the finality of a jail sentence lasting 22 years, in a Turkish prison no less, the Duchess of York is finally considering dying her hair.
Investigative reporters have been following a seemingly unrelated series of "hard luck" stories in the last few years connected to famous red haired people around the globe, "but they all are connected", says self proclaimed natural blonde and London Times reporter Tina Crumpette. "There IS an international conspiracy against gingers, to be sure".
Citing recent examples that included Rupert Grint, Nicole Kidman, Geri Halliwell and even Chuck Norris, Crumpette asserts that all have suffered misfortune at the hands of an organization called the International Brotherhood against Gingers. "With carefully placed bribes and other immoral influence, IBAG has managed to crush careers and even incarcerate thousands of gingers", says Crumpette.
Famous Gingers have had their unfair share of difficulty in recent years. Nicole Kidman never recovered after a mysterious note was sent to Tom Cruise, forcing their divorce and her professional decline. Rupert Grint was recently jailed for not carrying fresh curry in his car's glove box, apparently a result of a mysterious new law put on the books in Hertfordshire. Geri Halliwell was talked into creating a kid friendly album with the title of "Scream if you Want to go Faster", reportedly not a children's album about riding a tricycle, and Chuck Norris was strangely jailed in Arizona for not carrying a loaded revolver while visiting an elementary school. Norris was later released, after agreeing to let the arresting officers live.
"It's an amazingly powerful organization, and it explains how ginger haired people the world over always seem to fall on bad luck. It's not bad luck, it's the IBAG", says Crumpette. Following Crumpette to her car after our interview, she noticed a parking ticket on her windshield for 500 quid. The citation read "For Legally Parking in a Public Lot". As the sun broke through the clouds and hit the top of Crumpette's head, a faint touch of strawberry could be seen at the scalp where Crumpette parted her hair. "I think they're on to me", said Crumpette.
In a related story, Chuck Norris, after receiving a personal plea from fellow ginger Sarah Ferguson, has scheduled a pleasure trip to the capital of Turkey. The armed forces of Turkey responded by declaring an extended military holiday. No one at the capital or in any of the government offices could be reached for comment.