Written by Michael Balton
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Saturday, 14 January 2012

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Paris -- The EU Division of Standard & Poor's has notched down France's world-leading AAA Romance Rating, relegating the "land of love" to the bottom of the hotness heap when it comes to "lust, thrust, and overall mojo."

"France's sexual score has gone from being the firmest mankind has ever seen to shrinking down to a flaccid embarrassment," an S&P spokeswoman said, citing her agency's recently released report, which gave France a score of C-.

The S&P analysis pointed the finger at French males, emphasizing that French women are still among the most appealing in the world.

"It is the men who are having trouble holding their own," the report said. "Or perhaps the trouble is that they're holding their own too often."

French President Nicolas Sarkozy blamed his nation's financial crisis for the decline in its sexual prowess. "Frenchman no longer have access to the training opportunities they need to excel in this area. An encounter with an experienced Parisian prostitute costs upwards of €250, and that's not including the mouthwash. Who can afford that?

"I myself have been setting an example for the nation even before I took office," Sarkozy added. "In fact, this is the endeavor in which I have the most skill and expertise."

But the S&P report stated that Sarkozy's well known ability to screw the public is not an effective counterpoint to the country's declining libido. Rather, it recommended that France look to China for a solution.

"The Chinese government has been restricting the collective sex drive of its citizens for years, under the guise of birth control," the report said. "The pent-up result is straining many a zipper. Perhaps the French should order some Chinese takeout."

Critics of the analys, which included every French male over the age of 10, pointed out that Standard & Poor's has absolutely no expertise in the field of human relationships. "That makes its ratings and recommendations in this area meaningless," one dissatisfied customer said.

But the S&P spokeswoman disagreed: "We've been in bed with the world's banking and financial leaders from the beginning. They've taught us a lot more than just fiscal intercourse"

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