The besieged European Union hit a new low today when the EU's Linguistic Concordat Enforcement Unit ordered all French people to stick to speaking French.
LCEU Chairpersonne Mme. Bonnie Bobsled said that French people are just embarrassing themselves by trying to speak foreign languages. She referenced an esteemed economist who appeared on the BBC's Newsnight last evening and a renowned intellectual who was interviewed on top Danish investigative reporting outlet Lego Time overnight. Both were laughed at repeatedly by their fellow participants and then clubbed like seal cubs.
Mme. Bobsled said French people must stick to what they know best - hau-hau-haughtily condemning all other nations, pretending they know best and sticking to their own unique nasally whine.