Washington - A study was released here today proving Americans are much better at rioting than people in other countries - especially the UK.
"We rock when it comes to rioting," says White House spokesperson, Perry Larson. "No one riots like the U.S."
The study revealed that, although behind the rest of the world in the "less important things" such as math and world history, when it came to the wanton destruction of property and people, the U.S. is at the top of the list.
Why are Americans better rioters?
"The UK is forgetting one thing," says one American rioter, David Yeager, "you've got to raise the quota of innocent people who get hurt. Looting and smashing glass if fine. But if your total number of innocent victims is too low, then you're not a very good rioter. You also have to riot for no good reason."
"Americans should be proud that they are good at something," says Larson. "Rioting over the police shooting of an innocent person is fine. But rioting after the Super Bowl or rioting for no other reason than the simple fact that you're an angry, stupid loser who just wants to follow the crowd and be on TV as a bonus - well, that's how you do it. Good job, America!"
"Gosh," said Jason Weaverly, a London rioter, "I wish we could riot like the Americans. I smashed up a shop and stole a candy bar and I thought I was being pretty bad."
Weaverly admits that his "rioting skills" are far inferior to that of his American brothers. "Those Yanks just know how to do it, what with their fearlessness in the face of unarmed homeless people and fourteen year-olds with back-packs," he says. Then, he turned and tripped a three year-old girl innocently walking by. She fell and skinned her knee, tearing her knickers. "Is that how you do it, America? Did I do a good job? Oh, please say I'm doing a good job!"
Unfortunately, for Weaverly and other rioters in the U.K., America is simply better at rioting and can beat the hell out of anyone who says otherwise.
"No one oppresses the innocent for stupid reasons like the U.S." say Americans.