Written by Aspartame Boy
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Wednesday, 11 January 2012

image for New cola application: naked body disposal
this body would be totally melted by the new colas in an hour

NEW YORK, NY - The cola wars have gotten ugly lately. Cola companies are competing to create the best flesh dissolving formulations. It all started with the mouse. The UN, as in United Nations, is taking notice, according to our source.

A quick study of the past decades reveals a large number of carcasses that have been very badly disposed.

Can you say "pile of stinking dead bodies?"

Between ethnic cleansing, and various other forms of genocide, demands on the local coroner are quite extreme.

According to our source at the UN Department of Special Population Control Projects (UNITDPSPECPOP), the cola companies will pick up a huge new market - body disposal.

It is calculated that the dissolving power of cheap diet colas is just what is needed for the coming Greenic Cleansing, a super-culling of the Earth's human population to reduce carbon emissions. [The irony is that plants actually become greener in the presence of carbon dioxide].

Once a body is dissolved by cola, the resulting slightly thick liquid will be easily piped to processing plants, saving a lot of train fuel. The aspartame will prevent any spoilage en-route that could release gas and increase pressures in the pipes, according to our reporter at the UN.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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