Rome - He's pointing the finger at Sicilian-born Monsignor Vinnie 'The Gobbler' Mortadella, ex-Grand Master of the Order of the Holy Drive-By Shooting and sometime wannabe archbishop of Chicago, Illinois.
Also fingered in this morning's announcement is Archbishop Liam McShergar, suffragan bishop of Ballybollox and former top suspect in Ireland's own equivalent of the Brinks-Matt bullion heist.
Palermo-born Archbishop Carlo 'Butterfingers' Prosciutto is also suitably rewarded following decades of loyal service smuggling Class 1 recreationals inside his rosary beads.
His accomplice Bishop Grissini 'The Garroter' Osso Buco also gets the red rash and scarlet beretta - er...red sash and matching biretta! - in recognition of extracurricular skills honed during the Cold War.
The CEO of the Papal chivalry order The Congregation for the Fertilization of Altar Boys Archbishop Guido 'The Stinker' Gorgonzola also goes up a notch for services rendered.
Portuguese Archbishop Manual de Castratos, a major penitent in the Vatican's paedo rehab clinic the Apostolic Penitentiary, also gets the thumbs-up along with cellmate Archbishop Antonio 'Squid-Face' Calamari, former CEO of the Pontifical Council for Pikeys and Travelers.
President of the Pontifical Council for Interpreting City of London Police Search & Arrest Warrants Bishop Rudi 'The Blind Man' Semifreddo is also promoted for a string of essential banking transactions with the new Pyonyang government of Kim Jong-UN.
A full list of new appointees is available on the Vatican Farcebook page.