Written by PC1
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Topics: Scientists, Poison

Friday, 10 February 2006

image for New Studies Recommend Eat Lots Of Poison And Plenty Of Fat

According to a new study released today by leading Iraqi scientists, diets that are high in poisons and toxic substances can help you live a more healthier and fruitful life.

The study follows on the heels of a previous study published a couple of days ago which revealed that women who consumed higher amounts of fats in their diets had the same rate of heart attacks and strokes as those who consumed less fats in their diets. The study published today, however, examined the health effects of diets high in poison from among 75,000 daring men and women.The study revealed that those who consumed more poisons in their diets actually had a lower mortality rate than those who consumed less poison.

"These studies are revolutionary," said Dr. Richard Payne, physician in chief emeritus at Hopkins University in New York City, who has spent a lifetime studying the effects of poisons on his own body.

"These new studies," he said "will hopefully put an end to this era of thinking that poisons are these unfriendly, monstrous toxins that will try to kill you. We now see that poisons are actually good for you - and their nutritious benefits certainly outweigh any superstitious and outdated theories suggesting the opposite."

The 25 billion dollar study was conducted by the Iraqi Bath Party's "Biological And Chemical Research Center" in conjunction with Al Qaeda's newly founded "Conquering One Country at a Time - Disease Center".

According to Middle Eastern health expert Dr. Abdul-Hamid Hassoun, author of "The Healthy Poison Diet" and former National Security adviser to Saddam Hussein, this new piece of research should alter America's approach to WMD's. "It just very well may be that these Poisonous chemical and biological weapons are actually good for your health, and America may need to rethink their opposition to these weapons"

Meanwhile, Saddam Hussein's lawyers are using this newly found study to try and exonerate the former Iraqi leader from charges that he used poisonous gasses to kill more than 140 Shiites after the 1982 attempt on his life.

At his trial today, Saddam held up copies of the latest 'study' and screamed out loud "You filthy liars! Poisons do not kill you! They heal you! That's right, I was spraying those shites with some of the best and most expensive therapeutic herbal substances around - made from some of the finest aromatic-poisons on Earth, and look what I get in return for that - life in a cage!"

Saddam reportedly became so excited that he had to be calmed down with several tranquillizers. However, he refused to take any tranquillizers until his doctor arrived, claiming that the tranquillizers probably contained way too much sodium and not enough poison.

Saddam's trial resumes tomorrow, and up until now American personnel were required to make sure that any sharp objects or poisons be kept out of Saddam's cell to prevent him from committing suicide. Now, however, after this latest study, guards are being encouraged to supply Saddam with whatever kind of poison he asks for, including his most favorite poison - the notoriously infamous
'Doritos' snack.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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