The number of deaths has reached an all time high within the past week or so. The Institute of Death has reported that more people than ever are dying in the UK at a rate considered unimaginable only a few years ago.
"The paradox is that people are living longer" says Danny Finklestein, rather amateur statistician of The Times, insisting that life expectancy is actually growing, despite Death's sensational and mesmeric rise. "For every extra year you live you gain an additional mean life expectancy of four more months. So a woman of 60 years now, who expects to live until she is 87, will, by the time she reaches 87, expect to live for a further nine years until she is 96. And if she gets there she will expect to live a further 3 years and reach 99. And if she gets to 99 she will expect to make 100... But she cant expect that now of course as she is still only 60."
"Er, that's right", he added.
"This is just amazing!" said an Institute of Death spokesman. "And yet, more people are dying ever. 2011 has really been Death's most triumphant year." He added that "Celebrity deaths are increasing, whereas gas lighters' deaths have decreased: so it is not a uniform picture and we need more research."
Dr T Kealey, Vice Chancellor of the University of Buckingham, the UK's "top" university, and a man who expects death, explained further that the amount of death per individual is stlll the same as it ever was , with about one event for each for us, but we will have to wait longer for it. "My university is committed to death!" he exclaimed.